12 Things Being Married Has Taught Me About Myself

Lists seem to be a thing right now. So I was thinking, I can do a list! That's a thing I'm capable of. Then I was thinking...what to do a list about? I just had my one year wedding anniversary in January. (Oh, no...please...hold your applause!) So, in honor of that, here is my list of 12 things I've learned about myself this year.

1. I have incredibly low self-esteem for no reason.

Seriously. I mean, in general, I don't think I suck or anything, but I definitely am not confident. Especially when it comes to my body. I compare myself to everyone around me and project on people what they MUST be thinking about me. But...why does that matter? My husband thinks I'm lovely. He enjoys everything about me and especially my body. He thinks it's great, so why does it matter to me what other people think? It really shouldn't.

2. I have misplaced my priorities.

This kind of goes along with the first point. I get so hung up on what other people think and what other people expect of me that what I want and what my husband wants gets put on the back burner sometimes...okay...a lot of times. But that's not how to build a happy marriage or sanity for myself.

3. I'm actually a pretty awesome cook.

If I wasn't feeding two people I never would have made a lot of the food I've concocted this year. And, I gotta say, I'm getting pretty good. I even made sausage gravy from scratch by modifying a recipe from my cookbook. Look out, Food Network, here I come!

4. I actually enjoy cleaning.

Don't worry, an alien hasn't stolen me and replaced me with a cleaning machine. Cleaning regularly is still a thing I struggle with, but I have a new satisfaction in it now that it isn't just for me. And I've realized that that satisfaction was always there, I just never had the drive to discover it before.

5. I have an incredible amount of worth.

Even on my worst day, that beautiful man is still there to hold my hand while I fall asleep. He still tells me how much he loves me and how wonderful I am. And he's not lying! He values my well-being above his own. He tries to be understanding when my hormones are crazy and I don't even know why I'm crying. He's patient when I'm angry because I don't know why I can't get my onions to caramelize (I will conquer them...I will!)

6. I judge TV shows by two second clips

Alex and I have started watching Smallville recently. I never would have without his wanting to do it because I had only seen bits of it when flipping channels and thought it was dumb because I was seeing a random scene from a random episode. And I've learned it's basically my favorite show and I should stop judging things so quickly.

7. I am scared to have children

For anyone who knows me, this is surprising. I've always wanted to be a mother. But, now that it's actually something that could happen, I am terrified. I will be guiding and shaping the development of another human being. And, before that, I'll be growing a person inside of me for nine months and then spend hours upon hours of currently incomprehensible pain pushing them out. Talk about scary! And, even scarier, what if I ruin them and they spend thousands of dollars on therapy?

8. I can do amazing things

For those of you who don't know, last summer Alex and I packed up all of our belongings (and our cat) and drove two thousand miles across the country to start our lives over completely by ourselves in Pasadena, Ca. First of all, I have never felt more like an adult but also a child at the same time in my life. But we're making it work and we're even thriving. Sure, it's not easy having everyone I've ever known and loved (other than Alex) being so far away, but we are carving out a life here, making new friends, and generally succeeding at being transplanted. I never would have thought I was capable of such a daring leap before this year.

9. I can't stand being home alone

I already was aware of this, but not to the degree I am now. Silence is oppressive. The second Alex leaves for work at night (he works the closing shift frequently) I lose all motivation to stay away only because being awake means being in the still, silent apartment. My mind goes crazy and I'm stir crazy in about five seconds.

10.  My name was more important than I realized

What little girl doesn't dream of having a different last name and "tries on" the last names of just about every guy she knows? Okay, there's probably quite a few girls who haven't done that. But I was always trying on other last names when I was little, but as I grew up I stopped doing that and my last name was what I signed on everything and filled out forms with. But I didn't realize how much it meant to my identity. I don't generally use my own name except to identify myself for other people. I don't call myself by my name in my head and it rarely comes out my own mouth. So I had no idea how much of a weird thing it would be for that identifier to change. I haven't quite gotten used to my new name yet, but my old name also feels wrong since I haven't been called by it for a year. There are days that it feels like I'm missing half of who I am because I don't have a last name in my head.

11. I can be legitimately interested in something I cannot comprehend

Alex is a musician and a theology student. He loves to talk to me about why people like certain songs and what he's learning about books in the Bible and Biblical Hebrew. Most of the time I really don't understand what he's saying, but the fact that he's opening his mind and heart to me is so important that I want to hear every word he's saying even though I generally don't understand what he's saying.

12. I am just beginning to understand marriage

All of my life I thought I knew what marriage was: beautiful wedding, romance, eventually having kids, and choosing to love someone even when they irk you. But it's that last part I didn't fully comprehend. Choosing to love Alex has been the most exciting and rewarding adventure of my life. I was worried when I was in college that I wouldn't be able to commit to someone forever because, after a little while, the excitement wears off and it's the day to day "I still have to look at your face." But this year I'm learning that it's not a "have to" it's a "get to." The more I learn about this wonderful man that chose to spend his life with me the more excited I am to be with him. Sure, there are days that I want to shove him out the door and I'm sure he has those days with me, too. But this man has such a deep, beautiful spirit and I get the honor of learning everything there is to know about him. How cool is that?